Losing someone close to you is something no one is prepared for. Whether it’s through natural causes and you knew it was going to happen or something unexpected happening. It can take a toll on a person’s mental health and cause them to grieve that person. The most important thing is that everyone grieves differently.
Grieving is a process of overcoming and accepting one’s death and abstinence. There is a known definition of grief known as “The Five Stages of Grief”. The five stages are known as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages have become widely known as true through experience, but not everyone goes through them in this order as everyone’s experiences are different.
My first experience of grief and loss was through my beloved, Max. An albino rabbit who wasn’t mine, he was my older sister’s, but I cared and loved him just as much. He died after some stray cats found a way to get through his new cage and got to him.
That was when I realized how much value there is to life and how easily it could be taken away. Being just in first-grade, I didn’t know how to grieve so I moved on, forgetting the sadness I once felt and what I learned. As the years went by I went on with my life with Max being a sheer memory. The summer after fifth-grade was when I experienced my second death, which hit me even harder.
My older brother went down the wrong path and lost his life in a shooting during a house party. This news affected my whole family and altered us greatly. It was during my adolescence and his death changed me as a person because I felt guilty for the last words I said to him.
I, like always, was mad at him for getting on my nerves and I said in a fit of anger, “Why can’t you just die.” The regret I felt when I found out is unmeasurable. I became more angry with the world and at myself which resulted in me being short-tempered. My personality changed from being extroverted to being more reserved and indifferent. Everyone in my family during that year was going through their own ordeal.
Having no one to talk to, I bottled up my feelings and acted as if I moved on but that wasn’t healthy or effective. It just led to me becoming more angry than I already was and led to nowhere in my healing process. I didn’t have anyone I could confide in so I tried journaling and let my feelings and thoughts roam on my phone. I would use a diary app called Daylio which would track my emotions, hobbies, habits, and have a note section where I could write. When I would feel any negative emotion in general I would write it down.
It made me feel better knowing I could let it out. I learned letting my feelings out and not trying to hide away from them made me feel better. Acknowledging how I felt and why I was feeling that way really helped me into being self aware. I eventually accepted the fact that he was now gone and his death was out of my control. I still miss him, that feeling never goes away.
It felt weird continuing on with my life when his stopped. I try not to dwell on it, to heal and move on but it’s hard. It’s a scary feeling forgetting someone’s voice but his presence will always be remembered in my family. Every year his life and memory will be celebrated.
